Bad jokes

What do you call a sheep with no legs?



















A cloud.

Are you all familiar with anti-humor? It's when you set up a joke and finish it with something non-humorous.

Here's an example (the tamest one I can think of): Why did Jimmy drop his icecream cone? Because he was hit by a bus.

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YES anti-humor is so much fun!

What did Sally get for Christmas?

Cancer.

Knock Knock.

Who's there?

Not Sally.
___________

Why was Jimmy laughing on April Fool's Day?

Because he was drugged with a heavy dosage of Marijuana.

Can do, sorry if I was offensive.

No problem, I just don't have a meter for that kind of thing, sometimes I need someone to tell me when I've crossed that line.

Two Penn St. administrators walk into a butt.

Here's a couple from a legendary comic.
"I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to too."
"I went to the store to buy a candle holder. They didn't have one, so I bought a cake."
"My fake plants died, because I didn't pretend to water them."
"A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap."
"I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
"Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?"
"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall."
"I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. It was way to literal for me.
"I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific."
"I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long."

I love terrible jokes, but most of the ones I know are either horrible and inappropriate, or don't do well in a forum format/require a response from the listener to continue. For example, here's one to get a groan from your friends:

What's the difference between a piano, a tuna, and a tube of glue?

You can tuna (tune a) piano, but you can't piano a tuna!

Someone will, without a doubt, ask "what about the glue?" Or something along those lines. This is when you say...

"Ah, I knew you'd get stuck there!"



If you think that's bad, I know another that's just as bad of a pun but worse because it takes a five minute long story to take your friend nowhere to the bad, bad joke.

Don't hold out on me Gorzo, I have to hear it. I have a few friends who I need to torture.

You asked for it, Budz.

So, have you guys heard the story of Juan, the Mexican farmer who aspired to become President of Mexico?

Juan was a simple farmer, who sold his fruits and vegetables in a cart that he wheeled into town. It was becoming election season, and fed up with the endless corruption and horrible living conditions in his country, Juan decided "Why not? I'll run for president. If I win, I can make this whole country a better place!" So he enters the race, fills out all if the forms, and is officially in the running for President of Mexico.

Unfortunately, as a nobody farmer, he doesn't do so well in the polls. The election is only a few months away and Juan is in dead last. Upset, he grabs an orange, and sits under his favorite tree at his farm to think. As he eats his orange, he hears a voice.

"You can win," the voice says. "You just need to show them what you can do when you put your mind to it." Juan turns sharply to see a young boy, no older than 8. "They see you as a stereotype, that's why you aren't getting votes. I have three things to advise you with - if you follow them, you will win this election!"

Juan is stunned. "Yes, yes, of course! Please, what can I do to be seen more seriously?"

The kid looks at him and says "the first thing you need to do is to stop riding that donkey into town with your cart."

Juan frowns. His vegetable cart is his livelihood, and that donkey makes bringing it to town 10 times easier. But to be president... "Okay," he agrees. He puts out a press release and stops riding his donkey. Just as the kid promised, his poll numbers skyrocket! He becomes a real contender in the race.

But one day, while putting his goods onto his cart at the farm, Juan slips and twists his ankle. It's nothing serious but he really doesn't want to pull his cart and limp into town, so he decided just once, he'll use the donkey, being the cart NEAR town, then walk the rest of the way. But as soon as he jumps up onto it, the paparazzi pop out of a bush, snap a ton of pictures, and the media declares him as a promise breaker and a liar. His poll numbers drop dramatically.

Juan goes back to the young kid and says "I think I screwed up. I got on my donkey just a minute, and they saw me! What do I do?"

The kid sighs. "It's okay, there are still two things you can do to improve your image. This next one is very important. Juan... You have to stop wearing a sombrero."

Juan is devastated. As a farmer, the sun is his greatest threat! But... He agrees, removes his favorite hat, and sends out another press release. His numbers go back up, and he is back in the race.

But ... Soon a record heat hits Mexico. Feeling dehydrated while tending his crops, Juan knows he needs to escape the sun's fury. He looks around for a few minutes. "No one us around," he thinks to himself, "I'll just wear one for a few minutes until I cool down a bit, and no one will know."

As soon as he puts it on... Paparazzi. They come out of nowhere, snap pictures, and dart away. It's put all over the news. Juan's poll numbers drop lower than ever.

He returns to the young child."It happened again."

The kid is notably frustrated. "Well... There is still one thing you can do, but if you mess this up, it's all over."

"Anything! What do I do?"

"Juan. You must stop drinking coffee."

Once again, Juan agrees, sends out a press release and his numbers rise back into contention.

However, a week before the election, Juan loses his notes for an upcoming debate. He knows he can re-write them, but it takes all night. By the time the morning comes and it's time to debate, he's dead on his feet. He knows he needs something to be alert for this important debate. He brews himself just one cup, and as it touches his lips... Cameras flash. Paparazzi. In the window. Juan gets trashed hard in the debate, and in the media.

He loses the election. Horribly. Less than 1% of the vote.

Juan goes back to the young boy. "Kid, I screwed up. I lost. I did everything wrong."

"Yes," the kid answers, "you messed up every single thing I told you to do. You could have won. You've let down yourself and the whole country." And the kid leaves, never to return.

Juan falls into a deep depression. He stops tending his crops. He sits at home alone filled with regret. Eventually he moves out of Mexico, and moves to Idaho, because why not. His depression grows and grows. Eventually, tragically, he shoots himself with a golf-gun.








This is when you wait for someone to inevitably ask "a golf gun?" Or "what's a golf gun?"


I DON'T KNOW, BUT IT GOT A HOLE IN JUAN!!!

Oh my god Gorzo, that was amazing. It reminds me of one a guy in my boy scout troop told me. Its a whole long story about a man who dunebuggying through the desert, and he has no idea where he is. After a few days, he is on the brink of death. Off on the horizon he sees some stones and a tree. with the last ounces of his life, he crawls to this place, to find a snake curled around a lever. This man says I am dying of thirst, if only you could help me. The snake replied "I can" and touched the man with his tail. The man jumped back in surprise. "you can talk???". "yes", the snake replied. "this lever I guard controls the fate of the universe. If it is flipped, everything is destroyed. I am growing old, and I want my son to travel the world." "I can do this" replied the man. He and the snake's son hopped into the dune buggy and traveled the world. They saw Alaska, Italy, England, Egypt, Africa, everywhere in the world. After one year had past, the pair traveled back to the sanctuary in the desert. About 90 yards from it, the dune buggy's steering controls break! The buggy spins wildly, almost hitting the lever ending the world. After almost having a heart attack, the man and the snake get out, only to find the snake's father dead, run over by the buggy. The man turned to the son and said "well, better snake than lever."